Dr. Willard Harley is a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist who has 25 years experience in marriage counseling. He identifies the ten most important marital needs of husbands and wives. He states that a man's basic needs are:
A woman's needs:
Questions for both: Do you agree with this list? Or, what would you add or subtract so that the list would represent you?
The Irresistible Man. Dr. Harley believes that any husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs.
1. Affection. Her husband tells her that he loves her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his love for her.
Question for him: How do I show affection?
Question for her: What would I like him to do to show affection and how often?
2. Conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because use it is never judgmental, always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and responds with interest. He is never too busy "to just talk."
Question for him: What would help me be more willing to talk and listen?
Questions for her: What kind of conversation do I want more of and how do I want you to listen to me?
3. Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.
Question for both: Are we satisfied with the honesty in our relationship or are there changes we'd like to make?
4. Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty to forty-five-hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.
Questions for both: Do we agree with the author? What changes would we like to make "if the world were perfect"?
5. Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so that they will do a good job training the children. He and she discuss. training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval. He recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her.
Questions for him: Are you overwhelmed with responsibility? How do you believe you are showing your commitment?
Question for her: What do you like about his commitment to family and what else would you like to have him do.
The Irresistible Woman. A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important emotional needs.
l. Sexual fulfillment. His wife meets this need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to recognize and understand which brings out the best in her; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
Questions for both: Are we satisfied with our sexual experience? What changes would we like? Would we benefit by learning more from books or a therapist?
2. Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he enjoys most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can enjoy toge ther. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.
Questions for both: What activities do we enjoy together? What other mutual interests might we explore?
3. Physical attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful. He is attracted to her in private and proud of her in public.
Questions for both: How important is this idea and do we want to make changes?
4. Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.
Questions for her: Do you feel pressured to manage the home? What changes would you like?
Questions for him: Do you feel resentful about how the home is taken care of? What changes would you like?
5. Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she chose to marry.
Questions for her: In what ways and for what qualities do you admire him? How could you admire him more?
Questions for him: When do you notice your wife's admiration? In what ways could she affirm you more often?